(no subject)
Apr. 4th, 2021 20:12![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
superborbCW: grief, death
I listened to her fandom podcast from a decade ago, and her voice brought a fresh wave of grief. It's coming up on a year to when she died of COVID.
I don't really feel justified to be so sad; I mostly admired her from afar. She had been the head of the dorm when I was a tiny first year, and she was so cool. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up, that confidence, that extroversion, that ability to make people feel welcome. (Well, the latter was probably because she was trying to settle in the whole dorm's worth of first years.) I went back to look at my old diary entries, and every time I talked with her, I would write how cool she was. Nothing useful like what she actually said of course, and my memory is so bad that I don't remember anything but how she made me feel.
Her few professional published works had such a sense of place. We'll never get her book now, the one she worked on during her MFA.
I didn't know her fandom identity until recently. I knew she was fannish, I knew she loved Sailor Moon. (When the black cosplay twitter tag went around, I couldn't look out of grief. We'll never see her colored girls x Sailor Moon project.) I had read one of her fics before, it turns out. But mainly-- the podcast, her voice. Her laugh.
I listened to her fandom podcast from a decade ago, and her voice brought a fresh wave of grief. It's coming up on a year to when she died of COVID.
I don't really feel justified to be so sad; I mostly admired her from afar. She had been the head of the dorm when I was a tiny first year, and she was so cool. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up, that confidence, that extroversion, that ability to make people feel welcome. (Well, the latter was probably because she was trying to settle in the whole dorm's worth of first years.) I went back to look at my old diary entries, and every time I talked with her, I would write how cool she was. Nothing useful like what she actually said of course, and my memory is so bad that I don't remember anything but how she made me feel.
Her few professional published works had such a sense of place. We'll never get her book now, the one she worked on during her MFA.
I didn't know her fandom identity until recently. I knew she was fannish, I knew she loved Sailor Moon. (When the black cosplay twitter tag went around, I couldn't look out of grief. We'll never see her colored girls x Sailor Moon project.) I had read one of her fics before, it turns out. But mainly-- the podcast, her voice. Her laugh.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-05 01:14 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-05 09:32 (UTC)I don't really feel justified to be so sad
I don't think it works like that. Grief is grief, it doesn't ask for justification, and losing a role model (who it sounds like she was to you, from afar) is sad.
no subject
Date: 2021-04-06 16:21 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-04-06 20:11 (UTC)